The year 2012, according to many theories, is when the world as we know
it is supposed to end. Whether you believe that or not is up to you.
One thing we can safely predict is that director Roland Emmerich will
still be making big, loud, stupid, end-of-the-world, disaster porn
films when the year rolls around. Don't get me wrong -- I enjoyed the
1996 release Independence Day, and The Day After Tomorrow was a slick, fun movie even if the science it preached about global warming was a joke. 2012
was flat and boring though -- adjectives I never imagined I'd have to
use to describe it. It was a major letdown and I found myself thinking
'give me a [expletive] break' more often than I spent enjoying it.
The film opens in 2009 with Dr. Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor)
meeting his colleague and friend Dr. Satnam Tsurutani (Jimi Mistry) in
India. Dr. Tsurutani has discovered that the Earth's core is heating up
and is on the brink of causing major disaster. Jumping ahead to the
2010 G8 summit in British Columbia, U.S. President Thomas Wilson (Danny
Glover) addresses the other heads of state about what is coming and how
they should prepare for it (hint: it's by building giant arks). 2011
flies by with a quick scene of someone buying a seat on one of the arks
and then bam!, it's 2012.
Divorced father and limo driver Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) is running
late for a weekend camping trip in Yellowstone Park with his two kids.
His daughter Lilly (Morgan Lily) seems excited about the trip but his
son, appropriately named Noah (Liam James), would rather spend time
with his stepfather Gordon (Tom McCarthy). Jackson's ex, Kate (Amanda
Peet) makes an appearance to insult him for taking a limo camping (his
car wouldn't start) and give a ridiculous plug for Huggies Pull-Ups.
While in Yellowstone, Jackson and the kids discover a section of the
park that is fenced off with no trespassing signs posted around it. He
hops the fence with the kids and enters the restricted area to check it
out. It used to be a lake but is now only steaming puddles of water.
Helicopters and guys with guns immediately appear and take Jackson and
the kids into questioning. Dr. Helmsley, having just landed from a
meeting at the White House where he has warned the President that the
end is closer than originally expected, recognizes Jackson, also a
science fiction novelist. They chat about Jackson's book and then Dr.
Helmsley escorts him and his family out without divulging what is
actually happening at Yellowstone.
Once exiting the restricted zone, Jackson is approached by Charlie
Frost (Woody Harrelson), a conspiracy theorist, radio show host and
blogger. Frost drills him on what he saw behind the fence, spews his
theories and scares the kids. It triggers something in Jackson and his
curiosity is peaked. Later in the movie, he goes back to speak with
Frost, who lives in a trailer inside the park. Frost shows him
newspaper articles of people who have tried to warn society about the
end but have mysteriously died in the process. He tells Jackson about
the arks that are being built and notes that he has a map to them.
Back in L.A., Kate and Gordon are grocery shopping (for more Huggies
Pull-Ups, no less!) when all of a sudden the store shakes and splits in
half. This is not a normal earthquake and Kate requests that Jackson
brings back the kids early. After returning home, things get weird fast
and soon it's full-on destruction mode: the ground opens and swallows
houses, cars, freeways, and everything else you can imagine. Jackson
gathers Kate, Gordon and the kids and they fly away in a prop plane
(which Gordon coincidentally knows how to fly) just as California sinks
into the Pacific Ocean.
This leads to two more hours of unrealistic scenes of flying,
destruction, ridiculous characters, and sentimental crap -- which turns
out to be the biggest downfall of 2012. It's a disaster film! Show us some carnage and forget the scenes of crying and hugging. Another slap to the face is that even the disaster scenes are not done particularly well and the CGI is very evident.
A limo racing around corners and jumping cracks in the road looks more
like a scene from a video game circa 2000. When tidal waves and fire
look like cheesy graphics created by a college student, it's hard to
believe they spent $260M to make this film.
You don't need me to tell you Cusack is not an action star. He's a rom-com guy. High Fidelity and Say Anything
are great flicks because of him and he needs to stick with that genre.
You can practically see the dollar signs glaring in his eyes and it's
evident why he did this movie and – dare I say it? – my respect for him
has dramatically dropped. As for Ejiofor, Harrelson and Glover -- words
can't describe the disappointment I have for them and their lacklustre
performances. Thandie Newton as the President's daughter Laura, and
Oliver Platt as Carl Anheuser, an aid to the President and villain, are
laughable.
I disagree with what seems to be popular opinion, that Emmerich is a
hack. Like Michael Bay, he fills a desire for people who want to see
things get demolished real good. 2012 fails because he tried to
make a serious film with ingredients for a popcorn movie. It's pizza
without the sauce and cheese -- what's the point?
With so much wrong and a near three-hour running time I think you're better off waiting for 2012 until it hits DVD. If you're craving some end-of-the-world disaster, stay home and watch The Day After Tomorrow which is, sadly, a better experience.
** out of 5 stars
Rated PG-13
Cast: John Cusack, Danny Glover, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Thandie Newton, Amanda Peet
Directed by: Roland Emmerich
Official Site IMDb
brian.mckechnie@citynews.rogers.com
ALSO OPENING THIS WEEK: Antichrist, Pirate Radio, The Idiot Cycle, Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day, Prom Night in Mississippi, The Horse Boy, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, Love and Savagery
Top image: Scene from 2012. Courtesy Sony Pictures.