Pirate Radio sank in the U.K. when it was released as The Boat That Rocked earlier this year. Changing the name for North American audiences doesn't help make this pointless, horrible excuse of a movie any better. It is one of the worst things (and not just in the genre of movies) I've witnessed all year and I wish I could get my 135 minutes back (which is precisely 134 minutes too long for this trash).

It's 1966 and Britain's government has a limit on how much rock and pop music can be played over the airwaves, and at what times of day. But aboard the ship 'Radio Rock', which is docked in the North Sea, a group of renegade DJs are illegally playing the tunes people want to hear 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Led by Captain Quentin (Bill Nighy) 'Radio Rock' has millions of listeners and the DJs are superstars among the young men and women who listen.

The biggest crowd-pleaser is a "shock jock" from the U.S. who calls himself 'The Count' (Philip Seymour Hoffman). He rants and swears on air and speaks out against "the man". Gavin (Rhys Ifans), a U.K. export who has returned to his homeland and pirate radio roots, makes women melt with his voice and is 'The Count's' biggest enemy. There's also music nerd Simon (Chris O'Dowd), the sleazy Dave (Nick Frost), and dumb-as-nails 'Thick Kevin' (Tom Brooke). 'News John' (Will Adamsdale), Angus (Rhys Darby), 'Midnight Mark' (Tom Wisdom), and Bob (Ralph Brown) round out the team of degenerates.

Since the team runs their operation in international water, the British government can't do anything about the highjacked airwaves. This doesn't sit well with officials, especially Sir Alistair Dormandy (Kenneth Branagh) who wants them shut down immediately and will do everything in his power to make it happen. Bringing in a young hotshot by the name of Twatt (John Davenport), Dormandy (who sports a Hitler-like moustache) makes it his mission to silence these pirates.

With an ensemble cast this varied, one would assume the director would allow them to play to their strengths. Sadly, that is not the case, and thanks to a badly written and cliched script they all come across as idiots. A prime example of the level we're playing on is the fact that the only woman allowed to live on the ship is lesbian cook Felicity (Katherine Parkinson). They milk this poor character for all the jokes they can and it's not funny in the slightest. Another example is a subplot with Quentin's teenage godson Carl (Tom Sturridge) who takes refuge on the ship after he's caught smoking marijuana at school. The only purpose for Carl is so the DJs can try to get a woman to sleep with him as he's a virgin. It's a lame attempt to inject some rock n' roll into this "rock n' roll" movie.

Writer-director Richard Curtis helped British humour become mainstream over the last 20-plus years. He wrote shows like The Black Adder, Spitting Image and Mr. Bean. He penned the hit films Four Weddings and a Funeral, Bridget Jones's Diary and Notting Hill. He wrote and directed Love, Actually -- one of the better recent Christmas movies. Where did he go wrong with Pirate Radio? Was it the lack of Hugh Grant in the cast? Was he trying to make a more American-style film? Whatever the reason, he failed and failed badly. The film is a disjointed mess of scenes that go nowhere and end abruptly. Hopefully this is just a bump in the road for him and he'll get back to making funny British rom-com's once again.

One thing I did learn while watching this irritating farce is how much better and more sincere the 1990 pirate radio film Pump Up The Volume is. It has life and purpose which Pirate Radio has neither of.

* out of 5 stars

Rated R
Cast: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Rhys Ifans, Kenneth Branagh
Directed by: Richard Curtis
Official Site IMDb

brian.mckechnie@citynews.rogers.com

ALSO OPENING THIS WEEK: Antichrist, 2012, The Idiot Cycle, Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day, Prom Night in Mississippi, The Horse Boy, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Love and Savagery

Top image: Scene from Pirate Radio. Courtesy Alliance Films.