There's no way you'd ever use an excuse like that to explain why you're missing a day at work. But somebody actually tried it.
A new survey on worker absenteeism shows some people go to extreme lengths to explain why they can't come into the office. And even employers who thought they've heard everything have probably never quite been confronted with anything like this.
According to online job site CareerBuilder.com, 32 percent of workers have called in sick when they really weren't at least once in the last year. And one in ten said they've done it as many as three times.
When pressed in the confidential study, nearly half admitted they simply needed to relax, while 24 percent just wanted to catch up on their sleep.
Some 20 percent agreed the need to run some personnel errands was the reason for their duplicity, while others had previous plans with family and friends.
And fully a quarter claim they consider their fake sick leave to be the equivalent of a vacation day and are entitled to them.
But not everyone is happy just to provide the old "I'm not feeling well" bromide.
Among the excuses some bosses have heard over the past year:
--"I was poisoned by my mother-in-law."
--"A buffalo escaped from the game reserve and kept charging me every time I tried to go to the car from my house."
--"My wife is expecting and I have all her symptoms."
--"I'm calling from my cell phone. I'm locked in a restroom stall and no one is around to let me out."
--"I broke my leg snowboarding off my roof while I was drunk."
--"My wife won't let me come in because she says I have too many chores to do around the house."
--"One of the walls in my home fell down."
--"My mother is in jail."
--"A skunk got into my house and sprayed all of my uniforms."
--"I have a bad case of the hiccups."
--"I blew my nose so hard, my back went out."
--"My horses got loose and were running down the highway."
--"I was hit by a bus while walking."
--"I'm feeling sad."
And then there's that old standby favourite from school years past:
"My dog swallowed my bus pass."
Some of the excuses are idiotic, others have at least at dab of creativity that bosses wish their employees would show at work.
But there's nothing funny about what they brought to those who tried them. Forty-one percent of hiring managers contend they've received suspicious alibis about an unscheduled day off. Sixty-two percent didn't believe any of them.
And 27 percent of bosses say they've actually fired someone they caught in a 'sick day' lie.
So next time you want an unscheduled day away from it all, consider your excuse. Or you may wind up with more time off than you were expecting.